ceemarie
Bay Ridge Noobie
Joined: May 08, 2007
Posts: 18
Age:21
Gender:
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 Posted: Wed Oct 17, 2007 9:37 pm Post subject: dear alcohol |
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got this from an email, so funny.
Dear Alcohol,
First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan
of yours. My friend, you always seem to be there when
needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with
the game, and you're even around on the holidays
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're
stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.
However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my
best interests at heart, I feel that your influence
has led to some unwise consequences, briefed below for
your review.
1. Phone Calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do
not what to hear from me during the day, let alone all
hours of the night?
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why
do you suggest that I eat a kabob with chili sauce,
along with a big Italian hoagie & some stale chips
(washed down with chocolate Nesquik & topped off with
a Kit Kat, all after a few cheese curls & chili cheese
fries)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went
too far this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell
me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance,
I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me
to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the
black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously
the next day is beyond me. Similarly, it should never
take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key
into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as
it can often clarify the last point below, but the
following costumes are banned from ever being placed
on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros,
bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable
balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras. Also, what is
with you making me take pictures with people I clearly
don't like when I'm sober, yet they suddenly become my
best friends when a flash is presented?
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request
that I go over & see if in fact, I do actually know that
person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from now on.
While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the
brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought from
becoming a statement, especially in public. Please stop
me from talking to the guy/girl with the crooked teeth,
acned-up face, bad breath, beer belly, etc. Why are they
so appealing to me while I'm with you & why are they so
disgusting to me the next morning after you have worn off??
6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This
is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for
our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but
the 3 p.m. hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if
the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,
bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing
out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of
popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way
interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day
for that matter) activities.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now & would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money
in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I
ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address
them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Thursday 3 p.m. (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions
& hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you, from your biggest fan.
_________________
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